Thoughts on Choices.

I was reading a bill today from a phone company, I came to probably the most horrific knowledge I could bare to comprehend. I have made choices in life, I think it is safe to say we all have obviously, but I have made many choices knowing the outcome was not good, but was blinded by some type of illness. I have made good choices, bad choices, crazy choices, intense choices, little choices, and just choices. Each moment in life we are constantly making a choice. We are interacting with life in ways, we don't even fathom because it has become so natural. I am not this blessed. I am constantly analyzing and thinking. I am trying to comprehend everything. I, doing so, loose sight of simple things or extreme things. Something is blurred due to my focus. I have realized, that many mistakes I have made come from emotions and not wisdom. They come from spur of the moment, but at the same time, as quickly as I make the choice, I have processed outcomes, but like I stated previously, I always miss something small, that critical piece of evidence. I don't take into account the emotions, I ignore them possibly, but I don't take into effect, the collateral damage. I made choices and learned, not by choice, by a matter of consequences, to deal with them. As a man who commits a felony has to learn to deal with prison, because he made a choice, but then, he has to deal with the inevitable. Which ultimately, you can say he made the choice to be in prison, but I doubt all men, took into account how different they would become. What changes would come into play, because if you never go swimming in the pool, you can't comprehend or explain how the water feels. I am in fear of myself. I want that to be stated so that their is no confusion. The only person in life I fear, do not feel safe with at times, is myself. I say this because my mind can be such a tool, it can be very draining. I have come a long way from where I was, I know one day I will just look back at this and see declination or progress, but the fact remains, I have improved in life. I have come to understand it a lot more openly and worldly. I have come not to act out towards others, but embrace them and love them. I know there is always a reason for everything, we all have bad in us, just as we have good. It is what we capitalize on that makes us who we are. We aren't who we are. I hate hearing the phrase, "we are who we are", no we aren't. We are who we have let ourselves become yes, but we can always be more or less. We can always accept new light. I don't think we are all as creative as we think we might be. Every being has come to adapt to the life they have been brought up around, the influences, others choices. They internally decipher all of this, creating a being, one of which they are unique, but at the same time, so much the same. I feel that is why we can connect with others as well as we can, and some, not so well. I never like to cast out anyones voice, I always like to hear it. Sometimes ignorance or inconsideration consumes them. Sometimes they do not speak from the heart or with sincerity, that writes me off fast and in a hurry. Back to the choices though.
I have realized my wrongs. I have to deal with the ever aching pain inside of how much bad I have done. Does that make me a bad person, no, it makes me a man fallen victim to my own choices. I have to be a man and deal with that, however society makes me. I feel the greatest punishment a man can face is himself. Morally he will wear himself out. Internally he will eat himself alive, beat himself up, and race through it over and over and over. We ALL have a breaking point. We all have something inside us we fight for. Maybe it is clarification, love, anger, truth, or anything at that matter. It can be anything. We all made choices to better fill equip that fight. At the time, they seemed necessary, or were simply irresponsible. However the case, we, I, have to come to grips with the fact that, what's done is done, and I must overcome and adapt now to what is going to happen. I must man up and take into account, all that I have done.
I sit here daily trying to find a way out. Trying to find my break in life. I had pleasures, money, and security, but my choices washed those away. Now I am an embryo trying to form again. It is tiring. It is overwhelming. How can I expect someone to understand, me? Maybe the reason I grow close to others is because I see some similarities in all of us. Maybe it is because I do genuinely care about others. I find attraction in a heart now, not a body. Not a class. Not a repertoire. I find friendship in works and words, not petty details. I have been let down, been manipulated, and been lied to. But have I not done these things to others? Is it Karma showing me myself in a way, placing a mirror in front of my life in this time to show me, it's not others, it's you. It is not your world, it is way bigger than you. I know this, I know there are things I will never be able to comprehend. I have tried trust me. I JUST FIND IT AMAZING, THE POWER OF CHOICE. Freewill I guess we can call it, right?
I have my life that I now obtain due to choices. Since the time of man, we have been making choices. I have my problems due to choices, but it is now, what have I learned, how have I adapted, and what will I do to fix what I still can, deal with what is brought back to light, and handle myself when the temptation of choice arises again? That is such a powerful question I feel.
What do you do, when the opportunity of choice presents itself again, in a way which, you knew you made wrongly or poorly last time? Have I been defining myself as insane, trying in life to keep at something expecting a different result? Thinking I can manipulate the all powerful Life? I am skilled and talented, but, just as choices are inevitable of making, so are the repercussions. What goes up, must come down.
I do need to loosen down my pride, maybe people will not be so blurred by my presentation. We battle more with ourselves, than the world is trying to fight us with. I am not my choices, all the time, I am not my mistakes. I am not the man that is consumed by an evil. I am simply consumed at that point. Do not see me as a man who spits on his grave by destruction, but see me as who I am.
I am a writer. I am a thinker. I am a lover. Compassionate. Caring. I listen. I am a warrior. I am one with emotions. I am a fixer. A creator. An explorer. A guy who wants the best for this world. I do not see evil in all, but good in all. I am not a man to judge, I am the last to do so. I am wronged by a lot of my choices, but don't fester on those, see past them and hear my heart and sincerity in my voice. Recognize good when I speak. Recognize safety. Feel safe with me. I am a protector. I am honest. I am calm. I am patient. I am a visualizer. I am wise. I am learning. I am growing. I am a family man. I am a brother. I love new. I respect and appreciate old. I understand our past is not what defines us, or should, but it plays into choices we make, it effects our relationships if we are not stable in the void in life we all try and fill.
I have learned not to let one thing set my mood for the whole day. It is simply a bill. I cannot afford it, can do nothing about it, so what is the point in stressing and worrying. I am no less of a man, I would if I could, but I can't. I am just accepting the situation. A lot of times that is harder to do, you are so consumed in the emotional aspect and the moment, that it seems impossible to separate yourself from the situation. You literally have to place yourself outside of your body and asses it with a clear mind.
I am grateful for all that read. I plan on continuing my writing through blogs each day, I hope.

I sit and rest on my point that seems to define simplicity or obviousness. We make choices every moment of our life. How is it that we allow those choices to define us when another one arises from the aftermath? What is it that we do with the choice of choice?

-J